The new iPhone XD. The future of mobile. Hi. I’m Steve Jobs and I’ve come back from a coldnes, light grave to tell you about our latest innovation. But … Only before I show you this new phone: I want to tell you a narrative. It begins in 2013, and we had just released the new iOS 7. It was a proud momentfor us and it all went off without a hitch. That is, until 4chan had an idea. “A bogus ad that could be used to cost youhundreds of dollars.” They started spreading rumors that the software upgrade originated your phone waterproof. And they even started makingmarketing substances that was like ours. Harmonizing to these ads, advanced algorithms in the new iOS accepted the phone to detectwhen irrigate was touching the circuitry.This would then triggeran automatic unplug of the artillery. Of trend; this doesn’t make any sense. But that didn’t stop our customersfrom trying it anyway. There were a number of news stories. “What I did not do nonetheless – was thendrop my phone into a container of liquid. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about others.” “So how close would you getyour cellphone to the water? Well…” “All right Tony.” “It’s not funny.” Thank god we don’t offerwarranty on ocean expense. A year later; in September 2014 well agitated to exhaust the brand-new iOS 8. Well it turned out that 4chanhad also been planning to release a brand-new aspect. Apple Wave They made another marketing campaign that claimed even more sophisticated algorithms that allowed the brand-new iphone artillery to be charged by simply popping the thing in the microwave for two minutes on high.They claimed that the RF transmitter which is used to connect to the radio pillars could be used to absorb the microwaves and send them straight down to the battery. People certainly did thisby the way. And the word picked up on it more. “Yeah, don’t put your phone in a microwave, don’t put your phone in a toilet. I necessitate … Come on this … a good deal of these thingsseem they should be common sense.” “Charge your phone in the microwave feature.” “Just to be clear: don’t ever, ever do that.” Now it’s hard to know for surewhich of these tweets are real or hoaxes. And some of the news reports claimedthat no one actually tried this at all. Ryan says most people haven’t fallen – or at least admitted to have fallen for the pernicious subterfuge. However these pitiable crieson the Apple forums say otherwise.”What can I do if I microwave my phone? ” “Help! iPhone put in microwave and not working now.” “I know it’s stupid butI placed my phone in the microwave.” “Ok. Let’s say I put my phone in the microwave.”I fell for the’ microwave your phone and it will charge.'” DROP IT* Chimbirs* “I’m stupid please help.” And even the LAPD had to issue a warning after receiving a large number of distressed phone calls. How they were able to call the police I haven’t fairly figured out. Now the next campaign startedonly some days later. On the iPhone 6 we decided touse an aluminium chassis.It was cheaper. Lighter and it searched very nice. But yes, you could also bend the inferno out of it “The iPhone 6+ bends…a lot.” So all our hipster purchasers with their skinny jeans were detecting a neat ass bow in their new telephone. Thus, #Bendgate was born. Some other symbols took theopportunity to take the piss. Our twitter went flooded with the same bad supplement joke. To impede impair: we needed youto be more delicate with your phones. Or only buy a event. But instead, 4chan was there to makeanother marketing campaign. They decided that Bend wasn’t a bug, It was a feature. and beings were encouraged to bend until their screen popped right out. And you did. The next two years surpassed withoutmuch happening. But then, in 2016 we liberated the new iPhone 7. And courageously, “Courage! ” It featured no headphone jack. But one youtuber – TechRax. Decided to tell people otherwise. “Hidden inside your iPhone 7is a 3.5 mm audio jack.” And apparently, all you had to do…was drill for it.Article after articleabout beings teaching into their phones. But we’re just rub the thin veneerof dumbassery. There was a bug that bricked your phone permamently if you determine the date to January 1st 1970. “It intentions up with a experience beforeJanuary 1st 1970. Which should just be a negative integer. Except it’s not. It’s wrapped up all the way round giving you a date twenty seasons longer than the expected lifespan of the universe.” So some nerd made a campaign there too.Big positions at the genius saloon that week. But there’s one last thing: we leant a tiny stratum in the two sides of your iPhone 6. So that it plucked out your mane every timeyou put your phone up to your face. I obligated that pattern decision. I thought it was funny. And all of this raises usto today and your brand-new iPhone. This is it. This is what you get. No more delightful things. You can drown it. You can microwave it. You can teach it. And you can bend it. And it will still pull out some of your “hairs-breadth”. Does it operate? NO! But it’s what you deserve. Fuck you, stupids, I’m going back to my mausoleum … Available in three hard drive immensities: 12 MB, 13 MB and 128 GB. 100 k subs. Woohoo. Also I’m starting a second channel. Internet Historian Research. For the things that don’t reach the final trimmed. For sample. Pool is closed.There is HIV AIDS in the pool. Also stingrays. Which too have AIDS. DESUDESUDESUDESUDESU So the little avatar would walk up to your avatar and say … Yeah … and say “Hello I’m grabbing your hearts. I’m doing this to you. I’m having gender with you and now I’m leaving you.” Hitler did nothing wroooooooong!.
