Guys, I don’t think we’re charging enough.I mean, we called it the PRO, didn’t we? Here at Apple, we just held an amazing event. That was by INNOVATION only. Where every single product we showed off looked exactly the same as last year. Because this event was for our most indistinguishable guests and products. Introducing the iPhone 11! See, last year’s budget model (the XR) sold very well, but customers were disappointed that they had to spend so much money to still look poor. And so we changed… the name. And took a hundr– er fifty bucks off the price. The first thing you’ll notice about this iPhone is the double nip on mega nip array. These utterly spectacular cameras stick out so much that you may want to get a protective case. But I tell you that wobble on the table is well worth it, because these cameras allow you to capture unbelievable handheld video like this: with just a single iPhone…3 classic cars, a crew, and a helicopter. But it’s not just video, new photo modes have been unlocked as well, such as the High-Key Light Mono. They can totally remove the background from your image and replace it with a solid white studio setup. And no one would ever know. Portrait mode has been improved, blurring out the background while keeping your hair perfectly crisp. Well, talk about an Afro-disiac! However, the wide-angle lens is not quite wide enough to capture the full upskirt. The phones come in many colors, like our staff, but the only color that really matters is green. Introducing the iPhone 11 Pro! With its impressive triple nip-on-nip action, this is definitely the perkiest iPhone we’ve ever made. In fact, it’s so hot, we need to cool it off. This elaborate setup is not just for show, it allows you to do something with the camera never thought possible: zooming in and out. Meaning anyone can film and edit a video this good with just an iPhone Pro, a backlot filming set, rain machine, and a working with children’s permit.Now don’t tell anyone, but as a special treat, we can give you a sneak peek of Deep Fusion that can capture more details in sweaters than any of the competition. We call it “Don’t Sweater The Small Stuff”. It achieves this fine detail by taking 8 photos before you even hit the shutter button. To do this, it does have to predict the future. So it uses the same fusion processor as on the DeLorean. Feed it bananas, take great shots. And those snaps will look gorgeous on the Pro’s new Super Retina XDR display. Which is just our little, big way of saying the Samsung Note 10 screen. OK, come on, hear me out, we didn’t take everything from Samsung, like we didn’t take the reverse wireless charging, the 5G, the 3D scanning… Oh, but you may have heard the rumors that our new iPhone will work with our stylus, the Apple Pencil. – And today, I’m so happy to say that…- Who wants a stylus? Yuk. – You should just, forget about that, I guess.- Nobody wants a stylus.The upgraded A13 Bionic chip is incredible, it’ll allow us to make a trillion dollars per second. Oh, and we’re finally including a fast charger in the box. And it’s with news like that that it was clear to see the most Pro feature on stage was Phil’s new haircut. Looking good! Moving on to the Apple Watch Series 5, which now has a built-in compass, so you can check your orientation on the LGBTO screen.Hey, we need all the letters in there, ’cause no matter what, this screen always needs to find a way to be turned on. And since the screen won’t turn off, you’ll always be able to see the time and strangers will be able to see your notifications, including those cheeky clock shots and tick pics. And don’t forget, like we showed you, if you don’t buy an Apple Watch, you might die. Apple TV+ is coming out soon, and people can’t wait for the shows. The reaction to these trailers has been incredible. And we also revealed some of the games available on Arcade. Like Sayonara Wild Hearts, where players guide this independent young woman to win back her heart, by touching her butt in just the right way. Oh, we also have Frogger, and Capcom Street Fighter Scuba Diver.Well, E3 eat your heart out! The all-new iPhone 11 Pro! Look out Samsung, ’cause Tim said he’s gonna drop a diss track. Subscribe today! Great show everyone, but it’s important to remember it’s not just the lead staff who did this. In fact, our Chief Executive Cook was working with some of the finest ingredients. I’d like to invite Cayenne to the stage..
